god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
