Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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