I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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