watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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