She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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