I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Did I show you my penis last night?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
