You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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