i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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