I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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