I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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