Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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