god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize