this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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