Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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