my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
