What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Randomize
