Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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