blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
