I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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