I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
