your parents love me but you hate me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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