brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
