Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
