I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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