Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
