Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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