I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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