I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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