tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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