I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
