hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
