Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
where are my eyebrows?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
