the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
