Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
