you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
