If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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