Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
