So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
