So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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