i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
