tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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