I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
