i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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