My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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