Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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