Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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