I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
