I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
