Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
