I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
