Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
