you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
