I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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