She is in my trunk
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
