6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize