The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
